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In this work, On
Grief and Grieving Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and I wanted to revisit the stages for
clarification in grief and loss. The stages have evolved since their
introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades.
They were never meant to
help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that
many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no
typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives (Kübler-Ross,
2014). I will also provide information on African American culture perception
of death and dying
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The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and
acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with
the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be
feeling (Kubler – Ross, 2014). But they are not stops on some linear timeline
in grief. Not everyone
goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with
these stages comes the knowledge of grief‘s terrain, making us better equipped
to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief will often report more
stages. Just remember your grief is a unique as you are.
Kubler-Ross’s theory
In 1969 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote On Death and
Dying. Research and
interviews began in 1965 and encountered problems because (1) There is no real
way to study the psychological aspects of dying and (2) Patients were often
willing to talk but it was hard to convince the doctors. In her Stage Theory Kubler-Ross
saw a pattern emerging that she expressed in the way of stages. These
stages begin when the patient is first aware of a terminal illness. While Kubler-Ross believed
this to be universal, there is quite a bit of room for individual variation.
Not everyone goes through each stage and the order may be different for each
person. The following were the stages; Denial and Isolation: Used
by almost all patients in some form. It is a usually temporary shock response
to bad news Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It
helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and
overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go
numb. We wonder how we can
go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get
through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival
possible (Lim, 2013). Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a
grace in denial. It is
nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the
reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly
beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is
beginning to fade. “But as you proceed, all the feelings you were
denying begin to surface” (Kubler-Ross
2014, pg. 19).
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger,
even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will
begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions
under the anger and you will get to them in time, but Anger is the emotion we
are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your
friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but
also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this? Underneath anger is
pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a
society that fears anger. Anger
is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the
nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection
to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t
attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is
different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – –
your anger toward them. The
anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is
something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels
better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than
feeling it. “The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love”
(Larson 2014, pg 28).
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your
loved one would be spared. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never be angry at
my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take
the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping
others? Then can I wake up
and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of
“If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored.
We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more
quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is
often bargaining’s companion. The “if only” cause us to find fault in ourselves
and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with
the pain. We will do
anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way
out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or
months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for
minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. “We do not
enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion” ( Lim 2013). We may feel one, then another
and back again to the first one.
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present.
Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper
level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it
will last forever. It’s
important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness.
It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness,
wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on
at all? Depression after a
loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out
of. The first
question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually
depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and
depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression
after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in
your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and
is not coming back is understandably depressing (Garces 2006). If grief is a process of
healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right”
or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about
the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is
physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.
We will never like this
reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live
with it. It is the new
norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where
our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want
to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and
pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact.
It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize
roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves (Kubler-Ross, 2013). Finding acceptance may
be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and
enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one.
We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new
meaningful relationships, and new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our
feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to
others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships
and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have
given grief its time.
Culture
“Christianity is the religion practiced by the
great majority of African-Americans, according to the 2007 U.S. Religious
Landscape Survey conducted by the Pew Research Center's Forum on Religion and
Public Life” (African American Religions, 2014, pg 2). Christianity plays an
important role in African American communities. Religion is an ideal aspect in
the African American community. They worship God in their religion. By doing so, they go to church
and/or pray on a daily basis. During a church service, they will engage
in many songs of praise brought by the choir and hear a preacher, bishop,
minister, evangelist, or pastor bring a sermon to the audience. Religion also plays a huge part
in African American views on death.
In African American culture, death is viewed as another transition
to a spiritual journey. "Spirituality is a primary core value for
most Blacks (including African Americans) regarding death and dying, consistent
with this value is a belief in the afterlife, is most common amongst most
blacks” (Garces-Foley, 2006, pg. 137-138). Death is a huge and important
feature in this culture. Cooper
(1991) believed that death is not to be feared, it’s actually a deliverance,
and it will be a time to go on another journey. African Americans are likely to
fear not death itself but they will be more accepting to it. It has been stated
amongst the black community that death is not a time of sadness but a time to
rejoice for the deceased no longer has to endure the trials and tribulations of
this earthly world, the deceased are indeed mourned and missed. However, death
is also a time of celebration (African American Death, 1998). Religion plays an
important part in African American culture and they believe that God will
decide their future and if it’s meant for them to die then they’ll be accepting
to it.
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African American culture has a high
involvement of a funeral director in preparations for mourning and burial
(grief speaks 2014). Usually commemorative gifts are given to the deceased
loved ones from friends. Many African American communities mourns their
deceased family member by wearing black or white to the funeral. Usually before
a funeral starts, people are allowed to view the deceased body which is also
known as a wake. Usually music is played during this time. In African American
culture during the funeral, loved ones and friends celebrate the life of the
deceased and usually a preacher or pastor delivers a wonderful message/sermon
to the audience. Soon after a funeral, relatives and friends follow the hearse
vehicle to the burial site where they would day there final goodbye’s to their
loved one. This is usually the hardest part of grieving/morning a death in
African American culture. People realize that they will never see their
relative/loved one again and that they will be with God forever. After a funeral has taken place, they have a
repass also known as a wake. At this time, close family members and friends pay
their respect to the deceased. Many repasses can take place at a church or a
funeral home, but some have been known to take place at the deceased home. Also
during a repass people gather around to indulge in gourmet meals that are
usually prepped by family members (grief speaks 2014).
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Culture
and Theory
Not everyone goes through each stage and the order may be
different for each person. The following were the stages; Denial and
Isolation: Used by almost all patients in some form. It is a usually
temporary shock response to bad news. While other cultures may interpret bad
news in a negative way, people in African American communities are also likely
to grieve their deceased loved ones through sadness but they know that they
will keep going day by day (Cooper 1991). Isolation arises from people, even
family members, avoiding the dying person. People can slip back into this stage
when there are new developments or the person feels they can no longer cope. This
theory can possibly apply to African American culture if they aren’t as
accepting to death or losing a family member or friend. However, they will
eventually know that they cannot give up on life since they lost someone very
close to them, but they will haft to keep living. The second stage is anger:
Different ways of expression as far as this stage is concerned are anger at
God: "Why me?" Feeling that others are more deserving, envy of
others: Other people don't seem to care, they are enjoying life while the dying
person experiences pain. Others aren't dying and projected on environment:
Anger towards doctors, nurses, and families. This theory does not really apply
to African American culture. Although everyone is different and some may not be
as accepting to the loss of a family member or friend but many African American
people are not likely to blame the environment or even God. They are actually
quite accepting to the after-life. They might get angry at some point but they
know that they haft to accept that in their heart and know that they’ll be okay
and have a peace of mind eventually (Cooper 1991).
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Bargaining is the third stage which is a brief stage, hard to study
because it is often between patient and God. If God didn't respond to anger,
maybe being "good" will work and attempts to postpone: "If only
I could live to see”. This theory could potentially apply to African American
culture, some could possibly bargain to God so that they can see their loved
one once again. But, many African Americans may or may not apply this theory.
Such as, when my uncle passed away last year, my family was quite accepting of
his death. We might have grieved for a few days but we did not try to bargain
with God to bring him back to life, because we knew that he was in a better
place. This the Fourth in the stages is depression: Mourning for losses
Reactive depression (past losses): loss of job, hobbies, mobility and
Preparatory depression (losses yet to come): dependence on family. This theory
does not really apply to African American culture. Everyone is different but
African American communities know that life doesn’t stop just because of a
death but it continues and. That the best way to get over a death is to accept
it and continue to be great in life and make the deceased member proud. Lastly is acceptance: This is
not a "happy" stage, it is usually void of feelings. It takes a while
to reach this stage and a person who fights until the end will not reach it. It
consists of basically giving up and realizing that death is inevitable. This
theory does apply to African American culture. African American communities are
likely to be more accepting to death. Some people don’t actually believe that
when God calls for them, then it’s time for them to go (Larson 2014).
Conclusion
American culture history is tragic and have overcome and grown
through many trials and tribulations to reach their current freedom in today’s
society. In fact, it is these experiences that have influenced their views,
values, and beliefs on death and dying the most. Their long history simply
cannot be ignored. Death and dying has also heavily influenced African American
literature and music and vice versa. This theme plays throughout all different
time periods of these art forms. History is not the only influence on African
Americans when it comes to death and dying. Family also plays a big role in
their lives in general, so it also plays a big role when it comes to death.
This is not just the immediate family, but with African Americans especially,
this includes grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, departed relatives (through
memories), close friends, and then the church company is also included within
the family( McAlearney,2015). Kubler-Ross’s theory applies to African American
Culture in many ways. Such as, some African Americans may not have as much as
an acceptance to death as others and some might. But many believes in
spirituality and know that God will eventually want them to be with him in
Heaven. Religion and spirituality plays an important role in African American
culture. Their beliefs and perspective on death reflects form their religious
beliefs. They know that no matter what they are faced they will most definitely
be alright because God never overbears us. Memories will always play an
important part in African American culture and memories of deceased loved ones
will be forever cherished.
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References
Larson, D. G. (2014).
Taking Stock: Past Contributions and Current Thinking on Death, Dying, and
Grief: A review of Beyond Kübler-Ross: New Perspectives on Death, Dying and
Grief edited by Kenneth J. Doka and Amy S. Tucci. Washington, DC: Hospice
Foundation of America, 2011. 156 pp. (ISBN: 9781893349131). $28.95. Death
studies, 38(5), 349-352.
Kübler-Ross,
E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of
grief through the five stages of loss. Simon and Schuster.
Kubler-Ross,
E. (2013). 11 On death and dying. Social Work: A Reader, 82.
Garces-Foley, K.
(2006). Death and Religion in a Changing World. Retrieved from http://books.google.com/books?id=G0R_MMqNxu4C&pg=PA137&lpg=PA137&dq=african+american+rituals+regarding+death+and+dying&source=bl&ots=bBgV3Tt_Em&sig=YIUfRKUOiUjuQvCN9EkpMHJTLYY&hl=en&sa=X&ei=GQabUvCAMYbqoAS-hIC4AQ&ved=0CFcQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q&f=false
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